A distinguished physicist sounded a warning last week that our politicians are in danger of being struck by lighting at election rallies.

Frankly, that’s the BEST news we’ve had this year. Hope God is a good shot.

Professor Chandima Gomes says that the possibilities are higher because metal sheets and iron pipes are widely being used to construct platforms. Hah. We can think of a few other reasons why our honourable men (or women) might be clobbered with some sharp bolts from above.

Unfortunately, members of the public are also at risk. Apart from having to wither in blazing sunshine or drown in torrential downpours while listening to colourless drivel and mindless blather, they have to also watch out for stray lightning – the sort of which misses the politician and hits the wrong man instead.

Speaking of drivel and blather, our uninspiring presidential candidates appear to have launched their uninspiring presidential campaigns a tad too early. Mahinda Rajapakse and Ranil Wickremesinghe have nothing left to say. Boring us witless, they are, with their bald self-adulation and reiterative pledging sprees.

Rajapakse on Tuesday produced a sodding excuse of a manifesto which only served to reemphasise the insane haul of promises he has already quite thoroughly expounded. Ranil had launched his own tired package some weeks ago and is valiantly yipping about it in every accessible corner of the country. (It isn’t easy to be imaginative when you’re such an old hat at contesting – and losing – polls).

Enough already. Let’s advance the ruddy election. Any more of this hogwash and we’ll explode.

Thank goodness for Victor Hettigoda. Without him, we would keel over and die from the boredom of this entire presidential campaign. Last week, he bizarrely distributed bags of foil-wrapped roast chicken to journalists who attended a press conference. (We kid not). What he means by it, difficult to say. We must look starved.

By the way, Mahinda, your other two brothers called — says they don’t mind a piece of pie themselves. According to yet uncontested news reports, Gotabaya (one of the Rajapakse siblings) is getting 100,000 rupees to be brother Mahinda’s new defence consultant. Why not help the rest of the family while the generosity lasts?

In more mundane news, the government has revised its 100/200 metre buffer zone restriction. After shrieking for ten months that they would rather tie themselves into little knots than withdraw the restriction, our idiot policy makers have decided that it’s better to be fickle than lose a few hundred thousand votes. Consequently, the buffer will herewith be between 55-25 metres in the southern districts and 100-50 metres in the north and east.

Not to worry, though. There are still 25 days to the election. Even at the rate of two metres a day...

Speaking of the Mahinda manifesto, the United National Party is now wailing that Rajapakse has neglected to embrace any Bandaranaike policies in his worthy document (which promises much but achieves little). Suddenly, our capitalist Ranil types are more Bandaranaike than the Bandaranaikes.

(Except perhaps Anura...who is a Bandaranaike and very little else).

Meanwhile, our Bandaranaike gang has still not decided whether it supports Mahinda or not. Nowadays, it isn’t news when Anura does not attend a Mahinda rally. It’s news when he does.

And even where he shows up, he ends up talking about the Bandaranaikes – father this, mother that, sister this, myself that. Yawn, yawn. Snap out of it, brother.

Speaking in Mirigama recently, Anura swore ardently that he would devote his maximum energies to ensuring that Mahinda comes out tops in Gampaha. Four days later, he decided he would rather skulk around parliament (conveniently) presenting a piece of tourism legislation while Rajapakse was launching his save-the-whole-damn-universe chinthanaya. So much for support.

As for Chandrika Kumaratunga, one morning she fancies him...the same afternoon, she doesn’t. In Ratnapura, for instance, CBK told the public not to be "misled" by attempts to portray differences between herself and her prime minister. A few days later, she insisted that it was now essential to start a movement to save the Sri Lanka Freedom Party from the JVP (and Mahinda, by proxy).

But that’s our president. We wouldn’t recognise her if she started being consistent.

Whaddaya know? Lal Peiris aka Kudu Lal’s JP appointment has been suspended pending the investigation of drug peddling allegations against the man. Damn. We were quite enjoying moaning about it. (Just kidding).

Justice Minister John Seneviratne – shortly after seeing sense — thanked the media for exposing Lal’s identity and appointed a retired judge to probe how he had been recommended for the appointment in the first place. Three words: Mervyn de Silva.

Anyway, Seneviratne’s action proves that there may still be a few respectable men in parliament.

Well...one, at least.